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Casually Explained: One Night Stands

So, one night stands are essentially when you hook up with someone and never see them again

or at least never sleep with them again

and at one point I remember thinking:

Wow! That sounds so shallow and meaningless.

It's just two people giving into raw sexual attraction

with no chemistry or romance whatsoever.

And then someone said, "Have you tried it?"

That hurt my feelings but they had a point

and I think that if two people want to hook up and are responsible about it,

it could be a good experience for both of them.

So, first things first, you should be prepared at all times,

but if you're like me and all your condoms are expired

it can be hard to decide if it's worth preemptively investing.

In my opinion you should always have at least a couple on your bedside table

to keep the hope alive

and on the flip side

If you're a guy that gets around, don't try to save money or cut corners.

I've heard some pretty ridiculous stories,

and my friend told me that she heard of a guy who washed out a condom to reuse.

That's being really stupid,

just turn it inside out.

So once you're well stocked

in the necessary prerequisites,

you of course need to find someone else to help you make God disappointed.

Whether it's meeting someone in a bar

on Tinder,

or through your contact list,

you have to be good at managing expectations.

Even if both people agree they're just hooking up

and you're on the same page,

you won't be the next morning,

so I like to be as transparent as possible.

If she says,

"I don't really do this kind of thing that often, what should I expect?"

I just be honest and say,

"It's about like a coke can, but a bit shorter."

So if you're hooking up with someone and there's a mutual understanding

you're probably not going to see each other again,

don't be afraid to try some new techniques.

As an example, the other day,

a girl was telling me about her sexual escapades

and said I should try using coconut oil when I get the opportunity.

I haven't had the opportunity.

One of my hands is now incredibly soft.

So the act of sex itself is a very beautiful thing.

Not literally, it's really gross,

but the concept is there.

I don't have any tips because I know my lane,

but I like to think of sex as the opposite of homework.

Because with homework, I've always thought:

I'm not looking forward to this.

It's gonna be really hard the whole time,

and I'm gonna take forever to finish.

At least I'll be glad I did it.

So when you wake up the next morning,

the first thing you have to think about is the reprecussions of what you just did.

Your friends find out about it,

you have to be ready for what they might say.

So if you're a girl

you'll probably be hearing a lot of:

*sigh* "Amanda, what were you thinking?"

And if you're a guy, you'll probably be hearing a lot of:

"Dude, nice."

In addition, you might wake up thinking,

"Oh my God, I thought we were just hooking up

but what's this weird feeling I have

maybe...

maybe I've caught feelings."

It's probably just chlamydia so play it cool.

After mentally processing that,

it's time to check on the other person in your bed

and this is a major turning point

because if either of you had a good time,

it's easy to get attached

so when you roll over and look,

you'll see one of three scenarios:

they're there,

they're not there

or they were never there.

So plan ahead for each situation

whether you'll be trying to avoid their calls,

trying to call them,

or just doing laundry and repainting the ceiling.

[Cheery instrumental fanfare]