There's a Horse In The Hospital | John Mulaney | Netflix Is A Joke

- Now I don't know if you've been following the news,

but I've been keeping my ears open

and it seems like everyone, everywhere

is super mad about everything all the time.

I try to stay a little optimistic, even though I will admit,

things are getting pretty sticky.

Here's how I try to look at it, and this is just me.

This guy being the president,

it's like there's a horse loose in a hospital.

It's like there's a horse loose in a hospital.

I think eventually everything's gonna be okay,

but I have no idea what's gonna happen next.

And neither do any of you,

and neither do your parents,

because there's a horse loose in the hospital.

It's never happened before.

No one knows what the horse is gonna do next,

least of all the horse.

He's never been in a hospital before.

He's as confused as you are.

There's no experts.

They try to find experts on the news.

They're like, we're joined now by a man

that once saw a bird in the airport.

It's like, get out of here with that shit.

We've all seen a bird in the airport.

This is a horse loose in a hospital.

When a horse is loose in a hospital you gotta stay updated.

So all day long, you walk around,

oh, what'd the horse do, what'd the horse do.

The updates, they're not always bad.

Sometimes they're just odd.

You're like, the horse used the elevator?

I didn't know he knew how to do that.

The creepiest days are when

you don't hear from the horse at all.

Like down in the operating room, like, hey,

has anyone, uh...

has anyone hea-- (makes clip-clop sounds).

Those are those quiet days when people are like,

it looks like the horse has finally calmed down

and then ten seconds later the horse is like,

I'm gonna run towards the baby incubators

and smash 'em with my hooves,

I've got nice hooves and long tail, I'm a horse.

And it's like, aw, that's what I thought you'd say

you dumb fuckin' horse.

And then, then, then you go to brunch with people

and they're like, there shouldn't be a horse

in the hospital.

And it's like, we're well past that.

And then other are people are like,

well if there's gonna be horse in the hospital

I'm gonna say the n-word on TV,

and it's like, those don't match up at all.

And then for a second it seems like

maybe we could survive the horse,

and then five thousand miles away

a hippo was like, I have a nuclear bomb,

And I'm gonna blow up the hospital.

And before we could say anything, the horse was like,

if you even fucking look at the hospital,

I will stomp you to death with my hooves.

I dare you to do it.

I want, I want you to do it.

I want you to do so I can stomp you with my hooves

I'm so fuckin' crazy.

And he's like, you think you're fuckin' crazy,

I'm a fuckin' hippopotamus, I live in a fuckin' lake of mud,

I'm fuckin' crazy.

And all of us are like, okay, okay, okay, okay,

okay, okay, okay, okay,

like poor Andy Cohen at those goddamn reunions,

okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

And then for a second we were like,

maybe the horse catcher will catch the horse,

and then the horse is like,

I have fired the horse catcher.

He can do that?

That shouldn't be allowed, no matter who the horse is.

I don't remember that in Hamilton.